The fear of rejection is associated with the fear of abandonment. I know all about my fear of rejection issue. It has everything to do with being a bit of the black sheep in the family. I wasn't inherently who my mother thought I would become and wanted me to be. I wasn't inherently who my father wanted me to be. I couldn't find a sibling who I identified with in terms of common knowledge, common goals, or life paths. I tried to walk in one of my sister's footsteps but was so different from her that it was hurtful to try to become something that it was impossible for me to become. I always felt like I was failing someone at some point in time. Even in school I wasn't who my teachers thought I should be. Comments from my teachers were that I was lazy, dogmatic, belligerent, and fast. One teacher thought I deserved and wanted the sexual abuse that was happening at school when I got up the nerve to tell her what happened. Comments from church were primarily that I had to be a stereotypical preacher's kid and it was often assumed that I was sexually active both with peers and adults, even the pastor in one case. So I often felt rejected throughout my life and I have dealt with that for the most part. There are still remnants of that issue that show up from time to time but in general it is at a functional level.
I have often loved and wanted people who didn't love and want me back. Mostly this was from childhood friends and school teachers. But I'm not certain if that is a pattern that was created because the abandonment and rejection issues were present (self-fulfilling prophecies) or if they created the issues. But the rejection issues that trigger abandonment issues are being left behind. I can't imagine nor remember being left anywhere in any way, shape, form, or fashion as a child, unless it is associated with the abuse that started at age two. I frequently look at my infant picture and a photo taken at age three months and want to get back to that person who was not a broken arrow. I want to know where she was heading before she spent 20 years in abusive situations.
I don't know if any of this is getting me anywhere. I feel like I'm going in circles.
You are the only person I know who would act as her own psychologist!
Posted by: Patricia Hayne | June 30, 2009 at 01:00 PM