The Past

My past is heavy on my mind. I have walked away from some of my family. I have walked away from all of my church homes. I have walked away from jobs. Some of my family has walked away from me. And I was taken away from one of my church homes. I've never been fired although I had one job that I felt was a mutual departure when I walked away.

Last night I dreamed about visiting my first church. At the age of 3 my family (or my daddy to be most accurate) joined the New Nonconnah Missionary Baptist Church in Memphis, Tennessee (corner of Tulane and Shelby drive – right next to the Tulane projects). At the age of 8 my daddy baptized me there. At the age of 17 my family left and we became charter members of the New Beginning Missionary Baptist Church. Despite the horrific conditions of the split of the churches and despite the intense hatred most of the members had for my step-mother and despite the new pastor of my home church knowing nothing about me, the NNMBC members invited me to participate in the annual program that honored high school graduates. I was very happy that I was welcomed because all my life I had been waiting to get that Bible that was the gift. It wasn't that I didn't have Bibles; it was that the Bible would have sentimental value.

When I woke up this morning, instead of thinking mostly about New Nonconnah, I was thinking mostly about the family I walked away from. I was considering talking to one or two of the other Walkers and finding out what the big deal was that made one of them so angry that I decided to walk away from them all (except one). But I haven't fully decided what to do about that.

One of my jobs owes me something. When I tried to get it before they acted like they didn't know me from Adam (or maybe Eve). Now, years later I expect to receive it. Why is my past haunting me?

What are you supposed to do with the past? When I've wanted to revisit old romantic relationships it has always ended horribly and I've finally realized that once they are over, they are OVER. Is that the case with family? It seems to be the case with churches. And I imagine it's the case with jobs since I had one job that I returned to but that ended horribly as well.

I recently heard a quote from a movie (My Greek Wedding), "Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become."

In keeping with that quote:

My family interactions that were less than positive taught me to find my own way. For years I followed the dreams my family had for me and as they died or moved on, I found myself completely lost. Finally I decided to find my own way. Because I am out there by myself, so to speak, I still make a lot of mistakes that people younger than me make but as I lose family in various ways I still manage to stand on my own.

My church interactions that were less than positive taught me what is of God, what is not of God, and that EVERYONE is human, including the leadership. I have learned to believe in and trust in and follow my own personal relationship with the trinity.

My job interactions that were less than positve taught me what my worth is and have given me a desire to pursue my dream.

So if I focus on that, perhaps I'll feel better soon. Cuz I feel like crap and a little bit confused right now.

Comments

[Quel]

I use to say the past just needs to stay in the past. But reality is it can't. As you well know, you carry the past with you. Good to keep with the quote form the movie. It takes a lot of work to overcome the past sometimes, but it's necessary.